How to Stay Safe

It's an unsafe world these days and recently the campus of Truman State University has been particularly dangerous.

 Situated in small Kirksville (Methland) Missouri, Truman has in recent time been a hotbed of criminal activity and intense drug trafficking.  

In fact, not long ago an intruder was caught sneaking through the, once thought to be unpenetrable fortress, known as Dobson Hall.  Then, a thief was caught stealing items in the Student Recreation Center.  Next, a band of ninja thieves trashed the Centennial Hall elevators to the point that they had to close them down.  Recently, the university has been forced to start testing for HIV.  Thats when you know its bad.

To enhance your comfort level, Eyelash Ballad has compiled a list of extra steps you should take to ensure your security.  Together we can keep Truman safe.

1. Always carry a weeks worth of food and water wherever you go on campus.  (Especially to class)

2. Bring a flashlight.  You never know when the lights (or the sun) will unexpectedly go out.

3. Every ten minutes or so dial the number 911 on your phone but don't press send.  Then, when danger arises all you will have to do is press one button for immediate protection.

4. Skip classes every once in a while.  Particularly skip ones where most people would expect you to show up; like test day for a professor who doesn't allow make-up exams.

5. Create a secret word for danger, but DONT TELL ANYONE your word.  Then, when a dangerous situation arises, whisper the word several times to yourself.  That way your body will know you are in trouble.

6. If at all possible avoid walking in the general vicinity of Dobson Hall.

7. Don't run with scissors.

Andrew Jackson For President

With the primaries closing in across the country, many people are asking EyelashBallad who we endorse for the election.

After consideration of all the candidates we have chosen to support Andrew Jackson.  

The former president is surely a supporter of Eyelash Ballad.  After all he was famous for the Trail of Tears, and tears perpetrate from the eyelash region.

As the country is falling apart we need to elect a president with american values like Andrew Jackson (who was the first president born here.)  I know what your saying...he's not alive stop wasting our time.  Well, how do you know he's dead.  Have you seen his bare corpse?  Trust me on this one Andrew Jackson defined badass.  And there's nothing more badass than faking your death.  He survived the first assassination attempt, publicly humiliated his vice-president til he resigned, ignored a Supreme Court decision (when they declared the trail of tears unconstitutional), and fought in many duels in several of which he killed his opponent.  I can't picture Hilary Clinton or Barack Obama killing anyone in a duel.  And honestly, how can we trust a president that has never killed someone over an argument and then watched them slowly bleed to death.

Now, again you might question the electability of Jackson.  I mean yeah he probably wouldn't carry the African-american or women vote, but at least native americans can't vote.  Besides he has free advertising on the twenty dollar bill.  That beats any campaign slogan.  I mean who doesn't like 20 dollar bills.

Right now his chances might appear bleak, but candidates are dropping out like flies. Say John McCain randomly dies (I mean he is like 80) that would leave no non-mormon white male frontrunners, and surely open the door for Jackson....or Ron Paul.

Grand Opening!

Today is a great day for America.  Eyelash Ballad has officially made its debut online.  Now a casual observer may make the assumption that we are simply a copy off the Emmy-winning blog, Moustache Salad (who threw a great party on MLK eve.)  However, I can assure you that any similarities in our names are merely coincidence.

Until recently, Moustache Salad had an illegal monopoly on the market of facial-hair enthusiasts, which was in strict violation of the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.  However, we will offer the news in a very different manner.  Moustache plays to a much more sophisticated, intellectual audience.  They use complicated words like "superficiality" and "Sufjan Stevens" which mainstream American can't understand.  And what do Stalin, Lenin, Hitler, and Castro all have in common besides their hate for America?  Moustaches.

In fact according to a recent poll the average reader of their blog consumed less than 7.6 pounds of Appple Pie and Hamburgers a week.  What were they using to supplement their appetites?  I don't know for sure, but my best guess would be salad.  (Not very American.)

In contrast, we here at Eyelash Ballad cherish American values like football, Ford trucks, bombing countries, CO2 emissions, and obesity.  Yes, we stand up for you, the hard-working American with a 9 to 5 job in manual labor who cannot name the vice-president or point to California on the map.

We will keep a careful watch on all conspiracies.  And under our watchful eye, the media will never again be able to get away with something as atrocious as faking a moon landing.  Since we are a blog of the people, please post any potential conspiracies that you would like us to LASH.  Thankyou and have a nice day.